Welcome to the Daylight

It's been a few months since I posted. I started a Masters Program in the fall and I can't believe Christmas is already here. I'm feeling a little better, but still struggle with migraines much of the time. I'm finding it takes a lot of effort to calm myself and come back to my inner peace, but what better time to switch my focus than at Christmastime. It's not only the lights and the Christmas spirit that cheers me up, but I love the Christmas music.... and I've loved it even more this year because I've really missed the hope and encouragement it brings. I love all types of music, but i'm particularly drawn to songs that relate to what's going on in my life at the time (as you've probably noticed from this blog). This happened this past fall when I found myself all wrapped up in Taylor Swift's new Red album. Ugh, as if the first version didn't rip my heart out when it was released in 2012.... her new version of All Too Well came along

Five years later everything was going pretty well and I was happy to be free to pursue my own connection with God. I didn't have to listen to anyone else or do what anyone else was doing, I could let   God   lead me. For my Birthday, I received a coffee mug that said "Be Still... The Lord is fighting for you, you need only to be still." It was a lovely message and was actually the same message that was on a bookmark someone had given me for Easter a week before so I remember thinking, t his must be my theme for the year.  However, because everything was going so well I couldn't really see how it related to my life at the time, but figured it's always nice to be reminded that the Lord is fighting for you! Then everything changed one night when I was driving to Target and a deer jumped in front of my car. I slammed into it and my world began SPINNING ... It happened in November, the night before we went to the Mormon Stories Thrive Convention. I didn't reall

Figuring out that the church was just something made up by an extra imaginative, and I dare say, narcissistic person is mind blowing, especially when you think about how long the facade has been going on for... and sadly is still going on. Knowing the problems with the church's history is bad enough, but realizing there are still MANY  problems going on today is also excruciating. During my time in the church I didn't know about most of these problems, as probably most of the members don't, however, there were things that bothered me, one of them being   Priesthood   authority. I was lucky to have had really good Bishops growing up and never had a problem with them... even my "worthiness" interviews as a teen were fine and I never felt uncomfortable. In fact, my Bishop at the time always reminded me never to let a boy talk me into something I wasn't comfortable with, which I thought was good advice. He would also always tell me what a good guy my dad was, I th

 Life went on and things slowly got back to normal. We still had the same callings in church... Primary for me and Young Men's for Nolan. We attended church every week, and looked the part. We never really talked about the fact that Nolan didn't believe any of it. He loved the social aspect so he had no problem going with me. I think because we went together like all the rest of the families, I didn't let myself think about the fact that we weren't really  an eternal family... we couldn't be if Nolan didn't believe it. However, I do remember one day in Sacrament Meeting listening to a talk about Temple Marriage and Eternal Families and for what ever reason, it stayed on my mind that day. When I got home I must have had some time to think (yikes) because I started to wonder what was going to happen to me when I died and went to heaven. According to the Mormon narrative of heaven, and assuming I would be in the Celestial Kingdom, I wouldn't be with my parents

 As if having cancer wasn’t bad enough, towards the end of my cancer treatments Nolan broke his leg while working on his Ultralight... Nolan had bought an Ultralight (it's like a hang glider with a seat and small engine) that he could fly around in since he couldn't fly regular planes because of his accident. One day while he was working on it he started it up and it took off, hit a tree, flipped, and landed on his leg. When he got to the hospital we found out this wasn't just a regular leg break... his leg was broken in two places so not only did he have to have surgery, but his leg swelled so much beforehand, he had to have more skin graphs put over his old ones to cover the wound. I know by now you guys are probably starting to think I'm making things up, I mean who in the heck has a life like this???   It wasn't good (remember all those meltdowns I had in the last post, this was part of the reason). Because I didn't feel good and had my own problems, I could

 In the spring of 2012, right after Mother's Day,  I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It all started when I felt a lump and went in to get it checked. They did a mammogram, ultrasound, and finally a biopsy and then had me make an appointment for a week later so they could give me the results. I really didn't think it was anything (we never do) and went about the week as usual. Nolan had a camping trip planned with his brothers the weekend of the appointment so I told him to go ahead and go since I was sure I was fine. My appointment was on a Friday morning and since my youngest daughter had afternoon Kindergarten, I took her with me to the appointment. I checked in and then sat down to wait to be called back. When the nurse came to call me back she had a look of horror on her face when she saw I had my (6 year old) daughter with me and asked if she would be okay to hang out in the waiting room with the registration staff. I knew right then and there something was wrong. I got

  As time went by Nolan grew stronger and decided it was time to pick another career path so we headed to Utah State University so that he could get his Masters Degree. We spent two years in Logan, and had our first daughter while we were there. Once he finished school we moved, bought a house, and had our second daughter a few years later. I was excited to finally settle down into regular everyday life and I was also excited to go to church in a ward that we would be staying in for awhile. Although Nolan still felt the same way about the church, we were at least going as a family and things felt pretty normal . They, of course, put me right into the Primary where I stayed for (almost) my entire 12 years in that ward. I did have a few other callings here and there, my favorite and most fitting...haha, was when I was called as a Scout Leader for a summer... if you knew me you would be laughing too! I literally started laughing out loud when they told me this is what they wanted me to do

Nolan's brothers arrived around August 11th and spent the next couple of days sightseeing and hanging out at the beach. On August 14th Nolan wanted to take them sailboarding so they rented a couple of kayaks, grabbed Nolan's sailboard, and headed to the Marina on base. It was a beautiful summer day, with just a light breeze, perfect for windsurfing. I had stayed home to work on some schoolwork and after a couple of hours decided to take a break and go outside to water the plants. Far off in the distance I heard some thunder, which I thought was odd since there was not a cloud in the sky. I went back in and within 15 minutes the sky had turned black, rain poured down in sheets, and there was thunder and lightning flashing everywhere. I started getting worried about the boys and was about to go looking for them when my neighbor, Chris, knocked on the door. He was from New Orleans and knew how dangerous these sudden Southern storms were and was worried about Nolan and his brothers

I met my husband in High School and, just like I wanted, found someone who came from a good Mormon family, was planning on going on a mission, and would take me through the temple. He was also cute, fun, funny, and just rebellious enough that he wasn't too religious. We were mostly just really good friends right up until the summer before his mission when we realized we wanted to be more than friends and I said I'd wait for him while he was gone... well, wait and date... isn't that what they call it these days?  After a two year mission to Japan, we dated for another two years before we got married. I think this was part of his rebelliousness that he refused to get married straight off a mission like so many do, however, we can at least tell our girls that we knew each other for a good 5-6 years before we got married! We were married in the Manti Temple, which was 3 hours away, so we put everyone up in a hotel for the night and were married the next day. It was a beautiful