Welcome to the Daylight

Merry Christmas! Since my last post I’ve been working hard on, not only appreciating this Holiday season, but also appreciating the gifts I've received recently. If you've been reading this blog you know that things have been rough this past year... actually the past three years, but we'll just focus on this year. Things are still not quite how they should be, however, I see things transforming into what I hope is something much better. In the meantime, I'm trying to be patient while it all works out. So what I feel like is a reward for my hard work at trying to be patient I've received, not one, but two completely unexpected gifts this past month. The first one was getting tickets to the Taylor Swift Eras Tour which we soon found out, was all but a miracle. Now don't get me wrong, it took applying for a Capitol One card, pre-registering for Ticket Master weeks ahead of time, spending two long days "in que" waiting to click on the first seats that popp

I saw this picture pop up on our Google Home the other day and was reminded that it’s been 10 years since I went through cancer. I remember this Thanksgiving Day at my sisters house. I still had a few more radiation treatments, but I was done with Chemo and grateful that my taste buds were back so I could enjoy Thanksgiving dinner. I was also grateful for wigs since my hair was barely a half an inch long and grateful, of course, to be there with my beautiful girls. I remember wanting to take a picture to celebrate moving on, but couldn't find Nolan so I took it with just me and the girls. I also remember thinking that this might be better anyway, because, in all honesty, things weren't looking good for my marriage. Looking back now, I had a lot of things I was fighting for back then. I had gone through the previous year fighting for my life, I was now fighting to get back on my feet physically and mentally, and I knew if I wanted my marriage to work I would have to start fighti

This past week I had an experience with my daughter that reminded me that as bad as things seem to be at times, things can always get better. My 17 year old is amazing! She's beautiful and smart and fun and kind... as most daughters are. She has been a straight A student her whole life and has been dancing and cheering since she was three years old. The straight A's come natural to her and she doesn't have to work that hard for them, however, as much as she loves to dance, being on the High School cheer team has taken a tole. She loves the girls and the coaches, but the stress of early morning practices, night practices, and the pressure of getting ready for competition season had became too much. In the last few months she had said a few times that it was getting overwhelming and would completely stress out the night before an early morning practice. Then this past Sunday she had a total meltdown from the anxiety she was feeling about the Monday morning practice coming up.

This past weekend I went to see, for the last time, my favorite show in the world which is Odyssey Dance Company's  Thriller . This is a Halloween themed collaboration of dance, comedy, and scares, and   I have seen this every year for the last 20 years beginning when my oldest was a baby and ending with my girls and my sisters joining me for this last show. I know all good things come to an end eventually, but even then I was surprised at how sad I was. I guess I shouldn't be surprised… I danced my entire life... well, all through my school years and into college... and since then at Zumba, in the car, or living vicariously through my girls😀, but still dance is what I loved and I looked forward to this show e very year as I much as I look forward to Christmas!   I know it seems silly to be so sad, after all, it's just a show, but it was something I looked forward to and something I could count on... like my girls walking through the front door, or Bella in her prairie d

I watched the movie The Giver the other day and was reminded of how so many of us live our lives in a bubble without really knowing, or accepting the truth of what's really going on all around us. In the movie, Jonah , the main character, lives in a society where everyone takes a pill each morning in order to block out the memories of humanity's past and in order to control each persons emotions and tempers. This rule was put into place so that they could create a new society where there is no violence, hatred, disagreements, or bad manners. However, with this rule comes a limited knowledge of reality, control of every aspect of their lives, and little emotion.... oh, and did I mention everything is seen in black and white? In this society there is only one person who has all the knowledge of past and present, so when Jonah gets elected to be the new " Giver " or keeper of memories, he begins to see life the way it's suppose to be seen... the good, the bad, the

I listen to a lot of podcasts by Dr Ramini on narcissistic abuse and have learned a ton about what narcissism actually is. I began listening to her when my sister left her narcissistic abusive marriage and I wanted to know more about what she was going through. Since then I have come to realize I have narcissistic people in my own life.... we all do, however, I don't think most of us recognize that's what's going on. I also believe narcissism is a spectrum so some narcissists are more obvious than others. Dr Ramini explains it much better than I do, however, for those who don't know exactly what narcissism is I would say it's basically a person who needs constant admiration and validation from outside sources because they never learned how to get it from their own self-worth. They also never learned to regulate their own emotions so if things in their life are going okay they're not too bad to be around, however, if things are not going well they blame it on

Since I finished my MA degree I've started putting my Daylight Coaching business together and no wonder God keeps reminding me to be brave and bold. It's not that hard so far, but honestly, I don't know much about the business side of things so I keep wondering if I'm doing everything right, or if I'm missing something. Every time I pay for something that I need to help me get started, I close my eyes, say a prayer, and just push submit! I know people do this all the time, but for me, this is completely out of my comfort zone. It's everything I can do not to think to myself, What do you think your doing? You don't know how to do any of this. This is way beyond your scope of expertise.  Then I think to myself, Your completely right! What AM I doing?  The only thing that keeps me moving forward is first... God told me to start a blog, and second... He got me through a Master's program in Life Coaching so He must have plans for me to do something with all

Of course the minute I say that I have been free from worry and living in peace the last few weeks, worry comes knocking on my door and peace goes out the window. I went down to help my mom and dad and decided to mow their lawn, which at this point in the summer with a drought on the loose, is pretty much dead grass and weeds... so what I'm really doing is mowing the weeds. It's frustrating because a few years back my parents payed to have their front yard landscaped, and new grass put in and now it looks like nothing was ever done. Not to mention, the yard of the house just to the side of theirs looks like it has a spring of living waters flowing through it. I'm not sure how this happens when we are in a drought, but I'm trying not to judge😕 As I am mowing the lawn, some guy begins to mow the lawn of that house, drawing attention to the perfectly manicured "greeness" of it and when he was finished the sprinklers went on... at NOON on a 95 degree day... In a

Although I still feel like my world is spinning around me at times and I'm a helpless bystander watching it and wondering when it will stop, lately I have also felt a sense of calm. This has been since I panicked and had a meltdown when I realized I could control nothing  and had to let go and let God take over. That shift in thinking gave me a knew perspective and ever since then I have actually felt pretty calm. This is a whole new experience for me and I like it! Being calm in the storm, who knew that was actually possible? There have been many times in my life when things have been hard, even scary, however, I felt peace that everything would be okay. Even then, I still felt somewhat anxious and had to remind myself constantly that things would work out. This is different. The last few weeks I've felt calm almost the whole time. I'm realizing it's not a feeling I'm used to having.... especially under uncertain circumstances. I've decided I'm not going to

Sometimes when you know what needs to change in your life, waiting for it to happen is the hardest part. I know now that it's not wise to try to make it happen ourselves. It will work out best... probably perfectly... if we wait for God to do it. Even then the waiting is sometimes excruciating. At times we feel like we can't take anymore and wonder why nothing is happening... and other times we wonder if God's waiting for us   to be ready. As much as I hate to admit it, this is probably what's taking so long. I don't handle big changes well and God knows I need to ease into things. I do much better once I can see the bigger picture and God, seems to be showing me a new perspective each time I turn a corner. I know He's showing me things and preparing me for something new, and as hard as it is to see and accept, I want to know the truth and what my part is in all of it. Martha Beck talks about how the space of truth is a weirdly relaxing space... it feels safe. A

Since I finished Martha Becks book The Way of Integrity  a few weeks ago I've been obsessed with finding the path to my true self ,  as Martha calls it. I've been trying to pay attention to everything in my life that's not authentically me and then trying to figure out how to shift my life so it's in line with who I am. Martha warns us that this won't be easy and she's right. With every realization and new truth that I come across, I hit an obstacle... okay, not just an obstacle, a mountain... a huge mountain!  I know Martha also said this would happen.... that people and culture and circumstances would get in our way... and tell us we can't do it and that we just need to   get back in line , sit down , and be quiet ...  I mean, who do I think I am anyway... leaving the Mormon Church, still believing in God, saying no to unhealthy people and relationships, and trusting that   My intuition  will pave the way? In the midst of all the naysayers a

Well, it happened. I never thought it would, but, yes indeed, I had a Birthday... and I turned 50😲 50! What the heck! I thought I was used to the idea... I'd been preparing for it since I turned 40. Although, now that I think of it, all through my 40's... 42, 46, 48 etc... I remained shocked that I was actually 40. I remember someone asking me how old I was when I turned 43 and specifically saying I'm 40! 40!!! And then after I thought about it a minute I said, " Wait, I think I'm a little older than that" 😬... so being that preoccupied with 40 may have derailed my preparing to turn 50... no wonder I'm a little shocked. On the bright side, I'm kind of glad to be done with my 40's. They were rough... cancer, a car wreck, leaving the Church... these things will not be remembered as happy days. Ten years later I'm doing much better physically and mentally, however, other things are still up in the air. I hope it won't be too long before thin

It seems that every time I'm in need of inspiration or something new to enlighten me, something perfect comes along. This time it was Martha Beck's new book The Way Of Integrity; Finding the Path to Your True Self.  For those of you who don't know Martha, she is the daughter of Hugh Nibley who was a Mormon apologist and BYU professor years ago. She too was a former BYU professor and received her PHD at Harvard in Social Science, and has since left The Church. These days she is a Life Coach and writes for  O Magazine. I figured that her new book might interest me since I happen to be an ex-Mormon and LOVE Oprah... and yes, it did interest me A LOT! In fact, it could be my favorite book. You know when something just resonates with you... when you read something and find that  this is exactly how I think! Martha, you and I are kindred spirits! I felt this same  way when I read Oprah's The Wisdom of Sundays, which consisted of many different spiritual leaders and their p

  Lately there seems to be a theme to these posts and, as I've mentioned, the theme seems to be big changes in my life. I've talked a lot about how God's been opening my eyes to various things that aren't going so well and are not healthy for me to continue, and today it became apparent that one very important thing in my life will eventually need to come to an end. I figured this would probably happen but the reality of it is overwhelming. I'm completely heartbroken, to say the least. I know I'm going to keep trying to figure out how I can fix it until the day it's done, but deep down I know there's nothing else I can do.  With this new reality I, as always, took Bella on a walk feeling sad and lonely. While I was driving home and listening to music I wanted something new to lift my spirits. I remem bered seeing a song in my Apple Library that I hadn't heard before and don't remember downloading so I decided to play it. It was perfect . As I wa

I had a discussion with my husband the other day about why someone would still believe in God after leaving the Mormon church and interestingly it led to the fact that  I  feel like God has taken me out of a box and opened up unlimited possibilities while my husband, on the other hand, feels like believing in God is just going from one (Mormon) box to another. I think it's fascinating to see how people think and why they think the way they do, and it's freeing to be able to listen to their point of view, but still have your own. So  In my  experience, God is trying to get us out of the box, not put us in it. Since my Mormon days, I feel like I've stepped pretty far out of the box... finding my own faith, taking a chance in a Masters program, and starting this blog... things I never dreamed I'd do, however, with Gods gentle nudging, it miraculously seems to be working. Now I feel God taking me out even further into the unknown with almost everything else in my life. I re

Happy New Year! Although I'm always sad to leave the Christmas season, I welcome the chance for a new beginning and to make a fresh start. This year is already looking better than the last few, which is promising. In previous posts, I talked about how I ended up with a concussion after hitting a deer a few years back and had been suffering from headaches, neck pain, and dizziness ever since. This whole time the most I had gone without one of those symptoms was around 3 days, but I am happy to say I've gone pretty much the whole month without any of those symptoms... yay! During these last two years, I really wondered at times if I was ever going to get better, so this is a real encouragement to know that, YES, things will  get better, sometimes it just takes time.  On the other hand, some other things in my life are still up in the air. It feels like my life is coming together and unraveling all at the same time. I mentioned in a previous post that I was going back to school. I