Welcome to the Daylight

I'm finding the closer I get to complete freedom, the more eager I am to get on with what's next. The other day a friend said it sounded like I'm in a holding pattern just waiting to get my wheels off the ground. That was a good analogy, and that's exactly how I feel. It feels like I've been in this holding pattern for quite a while, and now that I'm so close to taking off, I'm more than ready to go. There's still a few things left to do, like sale the house, pack up, and move, but it's getting there. Of course we never know if we're really ready until things are all said and done.  I remember Martha Beck talking about how when caterpillars go into their cocoon they soon dissolve into a liquid state and their DNA rearranges itself completely. Then, when the time is right, they break out of the cocoon transformed into a butterfly. So, they completely dissolve their old self and transform into something completely new. And that something new has

I think of all the things I've learned in life, the most important one is to follow my intuition. It seems like such a basic concept... if something feels right go with it, if it feels wrong don't. However, I've found, as I'm sure we all have, it's not as simple as all that. I think that's partly because sometimes we don't have enough information about the situation, we end up in situations where we have to make quick decisions, we don't take the time to go off alone and search our soul for the right answer, and we give in to social and cultural pressures instead of doing what our instincts are telling us to do. When I look back on my life I can see I've done all of these things, even when something in my gut was telling me to slow down and think things through first. I also know there's been many times I've looked around at society and culture and known something was wrong, but didn't have the words or voice to express it. Whenever this

Recently I was listening to a podcast on relationships, which I do often since I coach people in this area. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship it is; romantic, parent or child, work related, or relationships within an organization (such as a church),   we're destined to always be in one, one way or another. So unless we head off into the wilderness alone as they do in the series Alone , relationships will be a big part of our lives making it important to have and maintain healthy ones. What each of us want in a relationship is different for everyone, however, there's a few things that should be present in every relationship such as; empathy, dependability, trust, and reciprocity. This particular podcast added one more thing to this list and after thinking it through, I feel like this is the key ingredient! They were talking about what to look for in a person as your deciding on whether to let them into your life or keep them in your life, and what they felt was mos

The first time I heard  But Daddy I Love Him by TSwift It seemed kind of dramatic . However listening to it again... and again (anyone who is a swiftie knows that you need to listen to a song over and over to catch the story... and then you listen to it at least 100 more times because you probably relate to it, and most likely love it😏) And I did both. It's a story about a girl who's in love with a boy that, not only her family, but the entire town doesn't approve of. Despite this, she stands her ground and rebels against everyone trying to keep her from the life she wants. She pretty much tells everyone to go to hell because it's her choice, and if all they want for her is a sub-standard life then she's not listening. Eventually they all come around by seeing a different perspective and are happy to welcome her boy into the family. It ends with a marriage and her dancing in the sun knowing she knew what she was doing all along.  This hit me hard. Not just because

Leaving a place you've been for over 25 years is surreal. And it's not just leaving a marriage, it's leaving a home, memories, all that's familiar. I always knew this transition would be hard... the girls growing up and moving on, but I never expected it to be like this. I pictured us staying together, and when the girls came back, they would feel like they were coming home. Now I'm leaving, and although my youngest is heading off to college soon, I'm wanting a place that they can come "home" to, but wonder if it will ever feel like that to them again... or to me.  I'm also realizing our new situation is now something everyone is going to know about. I honestly don't care if people know... divorce happens, things change sometimes, and it's definitely for the best, however, I also realize it's awkward, sad, and hard on a lot of people. It's something I can't control and I have a hard time with that. I always want everyone to be

This is it, another few weeks and it's done. I'm moving out and moving on. It's what needs to happen but the reality of it is hitting me hard. Although the marriage was over years ago, I now wonder if it had ever really begun... I'm guessing there was something there in the beginning or we wouldn't have gotten married, and I remember the good times, how close we seemed, and thinking we were meant to be together... of course we were, weren't we ?  Although, how can you be that close to someone one minute and then completely forget them the next when something better comes along? How can you just leave them behind without even a glance? And how can you not show one shred of emotion when what they're in need of is love and compassion? Now I'm left wondering what the hell happened and seeing that, for at least half of the time, if not more, I was completely left out of it... left out of my own marriage, how does that even happen? And then looking back at th

It's been a long time coming, and I'm still not out of the woods yet (I must have Taylor Swift lyrics on my mind with her new album coming out at Midnight! ), but I feel like I can finally  see light at the end of the tunnel after a few hard, hard years. I've learned more these last few years than I think I have in my entire life, and although, I realize things will never be perfect, I think I understand now what it takes to create the life that was meant for us and have the freedom to live it. Speaking of Taylor's new album, as I've said in previous posts, I always wonder how it's going to relate to my life right now. In the past, almost all of them have felt like the playlist for my life at the time, so I'm curious to hear this new one. I know the titles of some of the songs are already hitting a nerve, one of which is called I Can Change Him (No I Really Can)...  Just the title is already relating to a lesson I've learned recently, and not with just

I finished the other book I ordered this month called It's Not You, Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People by Dr Ramini Durvasula and not only was it informative and validating, but it was  helpful, encouraging, and inspiring. Most of the explanation and teaching on narcissistic abuse I already knew since I've listened to her podcasts and done my own research, however, the other half of the book on healing had me in tears. Going through my marriage, I always knew the problem wasn't with me. Not that I was perfect by any means, but I knew a lot of things that were happening weren't right and were very, very selfish. I just didn't know what to do about it. By the time these things were happening I had two little girls to take care of and I did everything I could to just keep the peace for their sake. I didn't know what narcissism was, but after going through cancer alone, I knew something was very wrong. It wasn't until about 5 years ago when I start

Recently I listened to a Martha Beck podcast on fawning... it's part of the 5 trauma responses; fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or flop. These are things we do unconsciously to keep us safe when we're faced with a conflict. Fawning is, " where a person behaves in a people-pleasing way to avoid conflict and establish a sense of safety." After I listened to it, I thought, "I don't really do that, except maybe in my marriage to avoid conflict, but I think that's it." Of course the minute I said this I had an instance at work... I've been working as an RBT (Registered Behavioral Technician) and ran into some miscommunication problems between me, a supervisor, and a parent. I'm sure there's been times I've unintentionally caused some communication problems, however, this time it wasn't me and I found myself in a position where I either had to stand up for myself, or throw myself under the bus. Since reading Martha Beck's book, The Way

With all the chaos that's going on in my life right now I was kind of surprised at how well Christmas turned out. I knew this would be our last Christmas here, in this house, with all four of us together, so I wanted it to be a good one so we could end on a good note, however, given the situation we're in, I didn't get my hopes up. So when I was able to spend most of Christmas morning with just the girls (Nolan had a headache and stayed in bed for most of the morning), I was very grateful. It was not only fun, but it gave me a peek into what next year might be like with just the three of us... not only on Christmas morning, but all the time. I know they'll come a time when they meet someone and have families of their own, but until then I'm going to savor every bit of time we get to spend together just the three of us.  Actually having our last Christmas with just our family was also a gift. When my oldest daughter graduated almost 4 years ago, I secretly prayed tha