Glimmers

Now that I've settled into my new place, the divorce is final, and I'm able to start looking ahead, I'm realizing it's going to take some time to blend the past, the present, and the future. Of course I don't want to just leave the past behind like it never existed, there was a lot I loved about it and it's part of my story, however, I know it's time to move on. I've also realized it's impossible to leave it all in the past, there will always be people, places, and things that are a reminder of where we came from... some good and some bad... either way our experiences mesh together to make us who we are. I remember, when it felt like my life was shattering and I had no idea where it was going to land, hearing a voice say It's not over, meaning there's more of life to live. So here I go, moving on, and having new experiences, one of which happened a week ago...

I had to go back to church today for a Farewell and felt a mix of emotions come and go. I hadn't been back to church in years so I was worried about how my nervous system would take it. Most of us who have left the church have this response when going back and find it a little (or a lot) triggering. Not to mention the Farewell was for someone on my ex-husband's side of the family, and since the divorce is still new, I was also nervous about running into shared family members. Not that there's contention, luckily his family is lovely and has been super supportive, but we're all trying to navigate the transition, which can be tricky. So, suffice it to say, walking into the church there should have been a huge Trigger Warning on the doors. Luckily I had been preparing myself all week by working on keeping myself calm. You know, the regular stuff; breathing, focusing on relaxing, and thinking positive thoughts like I'm in control of my life and I choose how things affect me. Of course that all went out the window the minute I sat down in the Cultural Hall and they started singing Oh How Lovely Was The Morning. Sure enough my flight or fight response began and I had to focus back on that deep breathing technique... this time wishing I had a brown paper bag like they have in the movies.

However, once I was calm enough to regain my composure, I focused on relaxing my body and my mind and I was able to remind myself that I was in control of the situation. First of all I chose to come to this meeting... I didn't come out of obligation or guilt, or because I was trying to make someone else happy, I came to support a loved one, and now that I'm out, I can come and go from this church as I please. Second, I've already freed myself from this mess... I'm already free, so now I can sit back, observe, and let gratitude take over that I don't have to do any of this anymore. I'm in control of my life.

Another thing that helped throughout the service is something called Glimmers. I've been reading Martha Beck's new book Beyond Anxiety and one of the techniques taught in the book is looking for Glimmers... things that are comforting and calm you down when you see them. It took me a minute... it's hard to find glimmers in a church filled with triggers, but I remembered that my friend told me to text her if I was feeling anxious so as I picked up my phone I noticed my screen saver which is a warm cup of coffee with hearts coming out of it, and that was a glimmer. An encouraging response from my friend was also a glimmer, and noticing a few family members that had also left the church sitting a few rows ahead was a glimmer. All of this comforted me and put things back in perspective, so in the end, the experience wasn't so bad. I was able to use my new found skills for managing anxiety, and was also reminded that I really did have power over how things affect me. From now on when I'm faced with a situation where all I'm seeing are triggers, it will be a good reminder to, instead, start looking for Glimmers...