So Long

This is it, another few weeks and it's done. I'm moving out and moving on. It's what needs to happen but the reality of it is hitting me hard. Although the marriage was over years ago, I now wonder if it had ever really begun... I'm guessing there was something there in the beginning or we wouldn't have gotten married, and I remember the good times, how close we seemed, and thinking we were meant to be together... of course we were, weren't we? 

Although, how can you be that close to someone one minute and then completely forget them the next when something better comes along? How can you just leave them behind without even a glance? And how can you not show one shred of emotion when what they're in need of is love and compassion? Now I'm left wondering what the hell happened and seeing that, for at least half of the time, if not more, I was completely left out of it... left out of my own marriage, how does that even happen? And then looking back at the last few years, knowing that it's over, and not seeing even a flicker of sadness?

So what now? I just walk out the door? Walk out the door of the house we've lived in for almost 20 years. The house my girls grew up in, where I read with them, cuddled them, had fashion shows, and countless girls nights. I spent almost all my time here, taking care of it and loving it, yet I'm the one leaving. I know this is what has to happen, but I feel like I'm going to walk out and be forgotten... like I'll be erased from the story.

And it's not like I didn't try. While he was out exploring the world, I was here, changing diapers, giving bedtime hugs, arranging play dates, and carpooling to dance class. After his many broken bone episodes, I was there at the hospital, applying bandages, and keeping track of meds. I spent many sleepless nights wondering when I should call search and rescue, and many days trying to keep peace in the chaos. Then there was the 6 weeks spent on my knees in prayer, sleeping on a hospital room floor, and learning how to pull a wheelchair in and out of a car. As the years went by I remember thinking so many times how tired I was just trying to keep his attention. Should I have to work that hard to be seen? Shouldn't he just want to be here? But I did it all because that's what you do when you love someone. The problem is that it doesn't work if it's only one sided. I'm heart broken that this is how it's all ending, but I can't stay with someone who doesn't feel or care about any of this. And how can he not care about any of this? 

At least I know I did all I could, and at least I know now how it should have been so I don't make that mistake again. It's taken a long time to get to this point where I can finally leave and be free, I know it's never the best time, but it's as good as it gets. Most of the people I've talked to about this I've consoled by letting them know it'll all be fine, and yes, eventually it will be... but right now I'm not fine at all. I'm sad. I'm sad I didn't see it in the beginning, I'm sad I lost so many years, I'm sad that I'm loosing half of my family, and I'm sad he doesn't care. So I had to write the truth of it if for no other reason than to get it out there. So between writing this down, talking it through, and TSwift expressing it so eloquently, I think I'm finally ready to say...

So Long...

"How much sad did you think I had in me?"