I'll Follow

Five years later everything was going pretty well and I was happy to be free to pursue my own connection with God. I didn't have to listen to anyone else or do what anyone else was doing, I could let God lead me. For my Birthday, I received a coffee mug that said "Be Still... The Lord is fighting for you, you need only to be still." It was a lovely message and was actually the same message that was on a bookmark someone had given me for Easter a week before so I remember thinking, this must be my theme for the year. However, because everything was going so well I couldn't really see how it related to my life at the time, but figured it's always nice to be reminded that the Lord is fighting for you! Then everything changed one night when I was driving to Target and a deer jumped in front of my car. I slammed into it and my world began SPINNING...

It happened in November, the night before we went to the Mormon Stories Thrive Convention. I didn't really get hurt when I hit the deer... at least I didn't think I was hurt at the time... it was mostly my car that I was worried about, however, about a week later my head started hurting like someone had hit me on the back of the head with a baseball bat... everything hurt from my forehead to my eyes to my jaw to my neck. It even hurt to swallow. Also, I started feeling dizzy, and my vision was completely off... it was a lot like when you get your eyes dilated and you feel like your in another world. Other times I would all of a sudden feel like I was going to black out and I had vertigo off and on. It was terrifying and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I literally thought I was losing my mind. I kept thinking I should go to the doctor, but I didn't know what to tell them had happened. I remember asking God what was going on and suddenly I remembered hitting the deer and it all made sense. I started going to physical therapy for whip lash and got an MRI since the Doctor said I probably had a concussion. The MRI came out okay and the physical therapy helped a ton, but I was still dizzy, light headed, and had a constant headache. The nights were the worst... for some reason it was worse when I was laying down and my head throbbed. Also, my vision was worse in the dark so I was extra dizzy, which would give me this feeling of falling even though I was laying down. This led to extreme anxiety, which led to panic attacks. I had some panic attacks when I had cancer, but nothing like this... everything was so dark and I was scared, it was everything I could do not to let fear take over. Eventually I calmed down and was able to go back to bed, but dreaded the nighttime. The daytime wasn't much better and the only thing that got me through was the hope that things would eventually get better. Thankfully God gave me moments... and I mean literal moments when I would feel okay.... this gave me the hope that if I could feel normal for a minute, maybe I would start to feel better for longer and eventually be healed.

 I made it through the winter and then the Pandemic hit. In a way it was a blessing because things slowed down some so I had more time to rest, but it also added more stress and more uncertainty which made things worse. Two weeks into the Pandemic we had an Earthquake here in Utah and, I kid you not, when the room was swaying back and forth I thought it was some new dizziness symptom and I panicked that something worse was happening. It's pretty sad when your actually grateful to find out it was an Earthquake and not another problem with your head... that's how bad it was and this was 6 months later. Every morning, however, I would drink my coffee from my favorite mug that would remind me to Be Still and it calmed me and reminded me that I'd be okay. 

I also had another dream. In this dream I was walking through a big city like New York and noticed there were homeless people lying on the ground everywhere. I remember thinking I wanted to help them, but I couldn't  because I couldn't even help myself, my mind was too foggy. I looked down at the bag I was carrying and was somewhat reassured because I at least had everything I needed to live with in that bag. I looked up for a moment and when I looked back down my bag was gone. I was distraught... I remember thinking Oh no. Now I've really lost everything. Just then I noticed a man across the street. He stood out from everyone else and looked a little like Cinna from the Hunger Games. I could tell he was important and new what was going on around here. When we made eye contact he motioned for me to come to him and then he showed me that he had my bag. It was all wrapped up like he had been protecting it for me. I remember thinking He's giving me my life back. So I turned my head to see if I could cross the street and when I looked back the bag was left sitting there waiting for me to pick it up. As I picked it up I remember thinking I wish he would have still been there because I wanted to talk to him.... I knew he had important things to say. Then I woke up. Usually I don't remember my dreams at all so when I have dreams like this I know they mean something. Also, these dreams are extremely vivid and colorful and I always have them right before I wake up in the morning so they’re clear in my mind. I’ve also noticed  they always happen during times when I’m in a crisis and really need some encouragement. This dream was a gift and every time I would get worried that things might not get better I would remember this dream and God giving me my life back which gave me hope and kept me going.

One thing that really cheered me up throughout this time was getting out of the house and taking my dog, Bella, for a walk. I usually went to a park nearby when the sun was just setting and walked around it while I listened to music. Instead of complaining (which I did plenty of) I tried to focus on what I was learning through all of this and that, knowing the God that I knew, it was for a reason. I held on to the glimmers of hope I'd been given, and took it one day at a time. I remember reading at some point that Be Still doesn't mean don't move... it means move in peace. So although it took a long time for me to recover from my accident, I learned to listen to that voice of reassurance that kept me going knowing that when it appears I'll Follow...

  "Cause hope is the rain and love is the seed that we sow..."