Touch The Sky

Touch The Sky

Clarity

Happy New Year, 2022! While I always feel a bit sad to leave the Christmas season behind, I welcome the opportunity for a fresh start. This year already seems more promising than the last few, which is encouraging. I started this blog in 2020, and though it’s taken me a while to catch up, I’m now writing in real time and curious to see where this journey will lead.

It’s also been a long road to recover from my concussion after hitting a deer. For the past two years, I’ve dealt with headaches, neck pain, and dizziness, with the longest stretch of relief being just three days. However, I’m thrilled to report that I’ve gone nearly the entire month without any of those symptoms—yay! There were times when I truly wondered if I would ever feel better, so this progress is a real encouragement, reminding me that, yes, things can improve, even if it takes time.

On the flip side, other aspects of my life feel uncertain. It’s as if my life is simultaneously coming together and unraveling. In the fall of 2020 Easter Seals discontinued the program I was working for in which I coached teens with Autism. Because I enjoyed coaching so much I decided to go back and get my Masters Degree in Human Service Counseling with an emphasis in Life Coaching, and I’m loving it! While I’m not entirely sure where this path will lead, I feel it’s guiding me into a new phase of my life—a gift, especially now that my daughters are becoming more independent. My oldest has already stepped out on her own, and my youngest has just two more years before she follows suit. I sense God is positioning me for a new purpose, which fills me with hope.

However, I find myself discouraged about other things, particularly my marriage. Not only do I often feel alone, but it seems that any love or respect that once existed has faded. I’m trying to find a way to salvage it, but the situation feels largely beyond my control. Recently, I’ve come to realize that it's time to let go. I've tried to keep it going for the girls, however, now that they're old enough to understand what's going on I feel it's time to make a change. I know I can’t completely distance myself yet, but I need to trust what God is telling me to do. This is incredibly challenging for me; I’ve always made it a priority to give my relationships the attention they need to thrive. Letting go feels counter to my instinct to keep things afloat. I don’t know where this path will lead, but I have faith that I will be taken care of. The miracle in all this is that the more I let go, the clearer my vision becomes, and I can see a new life beginning to take shape. While I’m uncertain about where it’s headed, I can sense it evolving into something better.

Today, a conversation compelled me to release even more. It offered new insights into my relationship, leaving me feeling sad and increasingly hopeless about its survival. The most painful aspect was recognizing how little I was worth in my husband’s eyes. I didn’t doubt my self-worth, but it hurt to acknowledge that he didn’t see me the way I see myself. Feeling discouraged, I took Bella for a walk to gain a new perspective. It quickly dawned on me that if someone fails to recognize my worth, that person doesn’t belong in my life. If God is trying to show me this, I need to pay attention.

Years ago, I read Restoration Year by John Eldredge, and one passage has always resonated with me: “You see, friend, true surrender is not an easy out, calling it quits early in the game. This kind of surrender comes only after the night of wrestling. It comes only after you open your heart to care deeply. Then you choose to surrender, or give over your deepest desires to God. And with them, you give over your heart, your deepest self. You will find that the freedom and beauty and rest that follow are among the greatest of surprises.”

Beautiful. I remember pondering what it would be like to completely surrender everything to God and let Him take the reigns, discovering freedom, beauty, and rest in the process. Perhaps, for our lives to become what they’re meant to be, for us to become who we are meant to be, and to fully trust in God, we must ultimately surrender. This could very well be where miracles begin, where our true lives unfold, and only then can we truly Touch The Sky...


"I found my life when I laid it down..."


 

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