Unwritten

Well, it happened. I never thought it would, but, yes indeed, I had a Birthday... and I turned 50😲 50! What the heck! I thought I was used to the idea... I'd been preparing for it since I turned 40. Although, now that I think of it, all through my 40's... 42, 46, 48 etc... I remained shocked that I was actually 40. I remember someone asking me how old I was when I turned 43 and specifically saying I'm 40! 40!!! And then after I thought about it a minute I said, "Wait, I think I'm a little older than that"😬... so being that preoccupied with 40 may have derailed my preparing to turn 50... no wonder I'm a little shocked. On the bright side, I'm kind of glad to be done with my 40's. They were rough... cancer, a car wreck, leaving the Church... these things will not be remembered as happy days. Ten years later I'm doing much better physically and mentally, however, other things are still up in the air. I hope it won't be too long before things settle down, however, in the meantime I'm beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel my life falling into something more meaningful. I say falling because the last ten years have felt like being caught up in a tornado with my world swirling around me and now I’m finally seeing glimmers of it falling into place. 

Interestingly, although I have completely felt out of control with all of it, I have to say, it seems what has kept me grounded are the things I've done by taking a leap of faith. Honestly, I feel a little like someone who had to decide whether to jump ship, or go down with the boat... and I decided to jump. Ok that's a little dramatic, but I'm a pretty safe and cautious person so applying for a Masters Degree, starting a blog, and putting together an ex-Mormon support group is way out of my comfort zone. Not to mention, making plans for a future that I did not expect, and all within a year is a little overwhelming. I still have to stop and breath every so often to keep from panicking, but I have to say, so far it's worked, which is miraculous. There's no way I could do this on my own, but something keeps pushing me forward with encouragement and, although every step is taken with apprehension, after I take a step, I feel a sense of calm and peace, which encourages me to take another step... and on I go.

Although there's been a lot of uncertainty about the future in the last little while, I think I have learned more about myself than ever before. This blog has certainly been a Godsend and Martha Becks book The Way of Integrity has opened my eyes to learning how to stay true to myself. Since reading her book I've been trying to be aware of who I really am as a person. What I like, what I don't like, what I need, what I don't need, why I do what I do, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, what I need to get rid of in my life that's not working, and what I need to thrive... and then I've just been going with it. Again, not my normal self. Usually I'm second guessing my every step and trying to please everyone else, however, this time when I do something that's authentically me, I once again feel a sense of calm and peace and I feel God telling me to embrace it. Embrace it! You mean we can just be ourselves? We can be who God made us to be and, not only be happy about it, but embrace it? WOW! Who knew?😌 This reminds me of what Rachel Hollis wrote at the beginning of one of her books which I loved, it said, “For my daughter Noah: May you live your life without apology, in celebration with who God created you to be.” In celebration! So without apology and because it's my Birthday post, I'm going to list a few things that are authentically ME! Here goes... I love Christmas, and hiking the day after it snows. I love sightseeing and quaint European towns. I love red velvet cupcakes and anything chocolate. I love to dance and I love music. I love taking Bella for a walk in the park at dusk and watching the sunset. I love doing yoga and I love, love, love getting facials at the spa. I love having tea with my BFF Debra each week. I love reading inspirational books and learning about ways to improve myself. I love the fall and watching the colors change on the mountains. I love simplicity and learning how to appreciate the little things. I’ve loved having girls and dressing them in cute outfits and putting bows in their hair. I still LOVE my girls. I love the color pink and I love the movie Emma with Gweneth Paltrow, and I love that I bought the book for my Birthday... and that it's pink!

As I keep saying, I still don't know where this road is headed, but I've been amazed at the twists and turns that God has put in my path along the way. I'm so grateful that God loves us and knows us so well that He can change our course and turn our life into something beautiful at any age... that it's never too late to become who we were meant to be. Maybe everything up until now is preparing us for what we were put here on earth to do, maybe TODAY is where our book begins and the rest is still Unwritten…

"I’m just beginning, the pens in my hand, ending the ending unplanned…"










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