Wide Awake

Wide Awake

Clearly, it takes time to fully awaken and I don’t know about you, but I’ve spent much of my life wondering what’s really going on around here—what’s real and what’s not, or perhaps more accurately, who is real.

Throughout my life, I’ve tried to see beyond the surface, questioning why some people didn’t seem to be themselves most of the time and why we often felt the need to put on a show. Now that I’ve lived long enough, I understand that, for the most part, this behavior is a protective mechanism—a way to avoid getting hurt, to fit in, to meet our needs, and simply to survive. However, I also realize that if we continue down this path, we’ll never truly embrace who we are, discover our true purpose, or find the people who genuinely understand and support us. It’s impossible to achieve this while constantly comparing ourselves to others, doing what they do, or worrying about whether we should follow their lead. Believe me, I’ve spent plenty of time caught in that cycle myself.

I remember years ago, during my battle with cancer, the song "Wide Awake" by Katy Perry was released. That year was incredibly challenging—not just dealing with cancer but also facing the lack of support I needed, which, in hindsight, was the hardest part. It was during that time that I first awakened to the reality that I was alone, that people weren’t always who they seemed to be, and that I had choices in how I wanted my life to unfold. I recall feeling God tell me that I didn’t have to stay in a relationship that wasn’t serving me, which surprised me. It wasn’t that I thought God wanted me to endure a marriage with someone who wouldn’t show up for me, it was more that my personality and upbringing had conditioned me to stick it out no matter what. It was a relief to know I could leave if needed and that God would support me either way. I decided to stay for the girls, but ten years later, I’m wide awake again and making different choices. I’m now in a better position to stand on my own two feet and understand what that truly means.

As I mentioned earlier, it takes time to fully awaken—probably a lifetime. Yet when we have the chance to become more aware, we must seize it. We only have this life; do we want to spend it in the dark?

The other night, I took Bella for a walk. The weather was pleasant, so we headed to our usual spot to begin our journey. About halfway through, it started pouring rain—something I didn’t expect. Since we were nowhere near the car, we just kept walking. As I walked, I noticed a beautiful rainbow beginning to appear in the sky, growing more vibrant as I approached. I’ve seen many rainbows in my lifetime, but I’ve never felt as close to one as I did that day. It felt as if I could walk right through it and disappear on the other side.

Amid the rain, clouds, and the sun peeking through, I felt transported to another world. It was an incredible moment, reminding me that even during the hardest times in life, there are also breathtakingly beautiful moments. I want to experience both the bad and the good, and I want to do so Wide Awake...

"Thunder rumbling, castles crumbling, I am trying to hold on..."