Wide Awake

Clearly it takes awhile to fully awaken... to come out of the trance I talked about in the last post. I don't know about you, but I think I've gone through most of my life wondering what the heck is going on around here... what's real and what's not, or might I say who.

I've spent my whole life trying to see through the surface of things, wondering why some people didn't seem to be themselves most of the time, and and why we were all usually putting on a show. Now that I've lived long enough, I know that, for the most part, it's a protection from not wanting to get hurt, trying to fit in, trying to get our own needs met, and plain old just trying to survive. However, I also know now that if we keep doing this we'll never truly be able to embrace who we actually are, we'll never find what our true purpose is, and we'll never find the people who truly get us and stand by us. It's impossible to do this if we're always looking around at what everyone else is doing, doing what everyone else is doing, or wondering if we should be doing what everyone else is doing, and believe me, I've done plenty of this myself.

I remember years ago when I was going through cancer the song Wide Awake by Katy Perry came out. That was a rough year, not only going through cancer but not having the support that I needed, which in hindsight was the hardest part. That was the first time I was awakened to the fact that I was in this alone, that people weren't always who they seem to be, and that we have choices in how we want our lives to go. I remember God telling me I didn't have to stay, which surprised me. Not because I thought God would want me to stay in a relationship with someone who wouldn't show up for me when I needed them, but my personality and culture was wired to keep a marriage going (almost) no matter what. It was a relief to know that I could go if I needed to and that God would be there for me either way. I decided to stay for the girls, however, 10 years later I'm wide awake again and making different choices. I'm in a better position to do so this time and have a better understanding of what it means to stand on my own two feet. As I said at the beginning, it takes time to fully awaken... probably a lifetime, but when we get the chance to become more aware we need to take it. We only have this life, do we want to spend it in the dark?

The other night I took Bella for a walk. The weather looked good so we went to our usual place and began our journey. About half way through it started to pour rain, which I didn't expect. Since we were nowhere near our car we just kept walking, As I walked I watched as a beautiful rainbow began to appear in the sky and the closer I got, the more brilliant it became. I've seen many rainbows in my lifetime, but I've never felt so close to one as I did this one. It seemed as if I were to keep walking, I would walk right through the middle and disappear to the other side. Between the rain and the clouds and the sun peaking through I felt like I was in another world, It was incredible and it reminded me that even though there's incredibly hard times in life, there's also incredibly beautiful times and I want to spent the bad and the good times, Wide Awake...

"Thunder rumbling, castles crumbling, I am trying to hold on..."