Pieces

I guess everyone, at some point, thinks back on their life and realizes it hasn't turned out the way they thought it would. I don't know about you but I also look back and wonder where it went wrong. My childhood, though not perfect, wasn't bad, so I can't blame it on that. After High School, as I talked about in earlier blogs, I went to college and married the boy I was, not only crazy about, but also fit the Mormon version of a good husband... it all seemed to go together perfectly. It was exactly what I was suppose to do. But, as it turns out, 23 is too young to really know yourself and what you need, and too young to know what you really need in a relationship. Now, 28 years later, I'm picking up the pieces of a life that's been shattered and wondering if things will ever be okay again.

Knowing now what I wish I knew then, I desperately want to go back and redo it. However, we know that isn't possible so instead I feel desperate to make things right by grasping for things that now define me. I think I've always had a pretty good idea of who I am, but I also know that my natural instinct is to push that aside in an instant to put my focus on everyone else the minute they walk in the room. I'm glad I'm like this, however, I also know now that some people will completely take advantage and you'll spend a lifetime putting yourself aside for someone else if your not careful. A good friend once told me that it seemed like I did a lot of living for other people instead of myself.... and I've never forgotten it. So before it's too late, I feel this need to grab on to who I am.

While finding myself, I'm also searching for the life that defines me. For the first time I'm letting myself do what I want to do, like what I want to like, feel how I want to feel, and think what I want to think... with no apologies! I'm letting my inner compass lead the way, and it feels freeing. Although I don't believe in Mormonism, I still believe in some sort of God and lately it feels more like someone guiding me.... a spirit guide(s) perhaps? Because of this, I've started calling my guide "Coach", because I feel more like I'm being coached on what to do, instead of being told exactly what to do, and worried I'll be in trouble if I don't "obey". Like a Jedi in training... you know, it's like when Obi-Wan has Luke put on the helmet so he can't see when he's learning to use the Lightsabor and has to, instead, use the Force... it's like that. The interesting thing is... yes it's a little scary, but it also feels intriguing. It's like someone's telling me to let go and let life take me to where I'm meant to be. Although it feels life freedom, it also feels opposite of what we've always been taught to do, and my personality tends to be cautious and safe so ironically, if it wasn't for the fact that I don't feel safe anymore where I'm at right now, I would never have the courage to brave the great unknown and let the guides guide me to something different.

So at this moment, all I know is that when I say to God, my Coach, or whoever's listening that I'm ready and open to whatever's waiting for me and then follow the voice... the universe seems to get bigger and open to new possibilities. Although in some ways I feel more alone than I ever have in my life, I also feel more connected to the unknown. Maybe I'm just learning how to listen to my own intuition, maybe I'm just done doing what everyone else is telling me to do, or maybe it's a mysterious, yet familiar force guiding me in the right direction. Either way, we are never really left alone to pick up the Pieces...


"Now and then there's a light in the darkness..."






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