Pieces
Pieces
I suppose everyone, at some point, looks back on their life and realizes it hasn’t turned out the way they envisioned. I often find myself pondering where it all went wrong. My childhood, while not perfect, was decent, so I can’t place the blame there. After high school, I did what was recommended by my culture; got married, had kids, and finished my college degree. It all seemed to align perfectly—it was exactly what I was supposed to do. But at just 23, I think I was too young to truly know myself, what I needed, or what I truly required in a relationship. Now, 28 years later, I’m left picking up the pieces of a shattered life, and wondering how to fix it.
Knowing what I wish I had understood back then makes me desperate to go back and redo it all. Yet, we know that’s impossible. Instead, I feel a pressing need to make things right by grasping for the aspects of myself that now define who I am. I’ve always had a good sense of my identity, but my instinct has often been to push that aside the moment others enter the room. I appreciate this quality in myself, yet I recognize that some people will take advantage of it, leading to a lifetime of putting my needs aside for others if I’m not careful. A good friend once told me that it seemed like I was living for others rather than for myself, and that insight has stuck with me. Before it’s too late, I feel compelled to reclaim my identity.
As I navigate this journey of self-discovery, I’m also searching for a life that truly reflects who I am. For the first time, I’m allowing myself to do what I want, like what I like, feel what I feel, and think what I think—without apologies! I’m letting my inner compass guide me, and it feels liberating. Although I no longer identify with Mormonism, I still believe in some form of God. Lately, it feels as though I’m being guided by a spirit—perhaps a spirit guide? I’ve taken to calling this guide “Coach,” as it feels more like I’m being coached on what to do rather than being told exactly what to do and worrying about facing consequences for disobedience.
It’s reminiscent of a Jedi in training—like when Obi-Wan has Luke wear a helmet so he can’t see while learning to wield the lightsaber and must instead rely on the Force. It’s a little scary, but also intriguing. It feels as though I’m being encouraged to let go and allow life to take me where I’m meant to be. While this sense of freedom is exhilarating, it also contradicts everything we’ve been taught. My personality leans toward caution and safety; ironically, it’s only because I feel unsafe where I am now that I’ve found the courage to embrace the unknown and let my guides lead me in a different direction.
Right now, all I know is that when I express to God, my Coach, or whoever’s listening that I’m ready and open to whatever awaits me, and then follow that inner voice, the universe seems to expand, revealing new possibilities. In some ways, I feel more alone than I ever have, yet paradoxically, I also feel more connected to the unknown. Maybe I’m simply learning to listen to my intuition. Perhaps I’m done doing what everyone else says we should do, or maybe it’s a mysterious yet familiar force guiding me in the right direction. Regardless, I’ve come to realize that we are never truly alone when left to pick up the Pieces...
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