You Can't Catch Me Now

I finished the other book I ordered this month called It's Not You, Identifying and Healing from Narcissistic People by Dr Ramini Durvasula and not only was it informative and validating, but it was  helpful, encouraging, and inspiring. Most of the explanation and teaching on narcissistic abuse I already knew since I've listened to her podcasts and done my own research, however, the other half of the book on healing had me in tears. Going through my marriage, I always knew the problem wasn't with me. Not that I was perfect by any means, but I knew a lot of things that were happening weren't right and were very, very selfish. I just didn't know what to do about it. By the time these things were happening I had two little girls to take care of and I did everything I could to just keep the peace for their sake. I didn't know what narcissism was, but after going through cancer alone, I knew something was very wrong. It wasn't until about 5 years ago when I started learning more about narcissism that it all started making sense. 

Looking back at when we first met, there weren't a lot of red flags. By the time we got married there were maybe a few, but even then nothing that shouted narcissism. I think, what I should have thought about was that the little things would eventually become the big things. I still don't blame myself, everything was all very subtle, and even now he still has everyone else fooled, however, the one thing I learned from the book that I hadn't thought of before was that perhaps my own personality was part of the problem. Dr Ramini talks about how most people think those who get involved with narcissists are insecure, timid, and fragile when, in reality, what narcissists are looking for are people who are confident, agreeable, and empathetic. They're looking for someone who will make them look good, but who will also let them have  the attention, validation, and admiration they desire (narcissistic supply). This hit me like a ton of bricks. After we were married I started feeling like my husband only married me for shallow reasons and didn't really care about my good qualities like being genuine, kind, and empathetic. Now I think he did notice those things, but instead of loving those things about me, he took advantage of them. It's a hard realization to accept that perhaps your best qualities... the very best of you led to the worst mistake of your life and that those qualities would end up being ignored, mocked, and discarded for years to come.

I think this is why the healing and overcoming part of the book was so encouraging for me. The thought of being able to get out, move on, and help others do the same gives me hope. Dr Ramini says, "Shaping your story along the hero's journey framework transforms your perception of your healing process from someone who is dragging themselves out of a mess to a person who bravely undertook one hell of a treacherous trip. You could have chosen to keep things the way they were, to have left but never focused on individuation and healing, to have never attempted to take back your story, and never changed a word. That would have been easier. But that's not what you are doing."

So with this process of re-writing my story I'm not going to just brush it under the rug and act like it never happened. I'm telling my story, even if it's only in this blog, and I'm going to share it with others who need to hear it. I'm not just going to slip quietly into background like I've done for so many years and say that everything's fine. I'll be there for others, I'll be there for my girls, I'll be there in the memories, the pictures, and the stories. You may have left me here alone, but now that I'm gone, You Can't Catch Me Now...

"Higher than the hopes that you brought down..."