Let It Go

Leaving a place you've been for over 25 years is surreal. And it's not just leaving a marriage, it's leaving a home, memories, all that's familiar. I always knew this transition would be hard... the girls growing up and moving on, but I never expected it to be like this. I pictured us staying together, and when the girls came back, they would feel like they were coming home. Now I'm leaving, and although my youngest is heading off to college soon, I'm wanting a place that they can come "home" to, but wonder if it will ever feel like that to them again... or to me. 

I'm also realizing our new situation is now something everyone is going to know about. I honestly don't care if people know... divorce happens, things change sometimes, and it's definitely for the best, however, I also realize it's awkward, sad, and hard on a lot of people. It's something I can't control and I have a hard time with that. I always want everyone to be happy, so it's difficult for me knowing this is making a lot of people unhappy, and I can't do anything about it.  

I watched Frozen the other day, and with all of this turmoil going on, I feel a little like Elsa leaving the castle (although not quite as dramatic😁) she finds herself trudging off alone, confused, upset, knowing it was partly her fault, but not being able to do anything about it. She tried so hard for so long to keep things under control because she wanted everyone to be okay, but despite her best efforts, it all exploded and she realized she really couldn't control anything, and keeping her emotions and feelings bottled up all the time was impossible. Trying that hard to keep it all together for everyone else's sake didn't work in the end so she finally had to let it go. 

But then it all changes. She goes from being scared and anxious, to saying to hell with it (okay she doesn't say that) but it seems that's what she's thinking when she let's go and begins to realize what she might be able to do now that she's free from fear, having to keep it under control, and always doing what she thinks she's suppose to do. What might she be able to do if she's free to be herself, free to let things work out, free to embrace her gifts, and free to have her opinions. I mean honestly, now she can finally say out loud that SHE'S fine with the cold!

I can't say I'm quite where Elsa is yet... confident alone in my "ice castle" and with my abilities to build a new life, but I know I'm on the right path and don't regret leaving a situation where I couldn't completely be myself, felt uneasy most of the time, and constantly had to try to keep the peace for the benefit of others. I'm sure it'll just take time getting used to this new life, and good things will continue to happen as I forge ahead, but this is hard.

However, I know I would never find the life I was meant to have if I didn't take charge of it myself and have faith that there is something better on the horizon. I've already stumbled upon an unexpected surprise as I was exploring the backyard of this house I'm staying in. I walked down by the creek that flows behind it and noticed that behind the fence is a "secret garden". As I walked further into it, I was in awe of what I was seeing right here in the middle of a neighborhood! Who knew this hidden treasure was sitting in the backyard? I never would have known myself if I wouldn't have let myself wander, let myself be curious about what was behind the fence, let myself trust that there was more out there, and let myself Let It Go...

"No right no wrong, no rules for me... I'm free"




 

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