You Ain't Gotta Pray For Me

The first time I heard But Daddy I Love Him by TSwift It seemed kind of dramatic. However listening to it again... and again (anyone who is a swiftie knows that you need to listen to a song over and over to catch the story... and then you listen to it at least 100 more times because you probably relate to it, and most likely love it😏) And I did both. It's a story about a girl who's in love with a boy that, not only her family, but the entire town doesn't approve of. Despite this, she stands her ground and rebels against everyone trying to keep her from the life she wants. She pretty much tells everyone to go to hell because it's her choice, and if all they want for her is a sub-standard life then she's not listening. Eventually they all come around by seeing a different perspective and are happy to welcome her boy into the family. It ends with a marriage and her dancing in the sun knowing she knew what she was doing all along. 

This hit me hard. Not just because of the story, but because of it's metaphor for always trying to please the culture instead of doing what your heart tells you to do. Lately I've had to tell people about the divorce, and although they've been nice about it, I've found some questioning whether it's the right thing for me. I know they have the best intentions, and they want what's best, but they are also Mormon and, I assume, still have concerns about divorce. I understand, divorce should never be taken lightly, however, sometimes it's necessary, and this time it was necessary.  Despite the apparent concern (and disappointment) I stood my ground explaining that it's what needed to be done. I didn't get into the details but I wanted to say, "No, I'm not staying in a marriage that's only one sided, I'm not going to pretend this is all fine, and I'm not giving into a life that lacks love and respect just to make everyone else happy." Again, I know they just want what's best for me, but it's sad to see that they don't think I'm worthy of anything better. Aren't we all worthy of something better? And shouldn't we all be moving towards whatever that is? Even if it means leaving something behind that's not only going nowhere, but harmful. I guess this is how it goes in a culture where you stay in your religion, you don't question your faith, you don't get divorced, and you do as everyone else does. I've done that my entire life and I'm tired of it. We only live once and if I let everyone else pave the way for me, at the end of my life, I wouldn't be able to say that I really lived.

Through all of the agony of these past few years, I keep running into pleasant surprises and I don't think this is a coincidence. I think God is showing me in little ways that I am on the right track. My favorite flowers are daisies and where I'm staying right now, there are no flowers. The yard is kind of wild with grass, trees, a creek, and some weeds. Even though it's in a neighborhood, with the surrounding foliage it feels like a forest. So when I walked outside the other day and ran into... you guessed it... a bundle of DAISIES that seemed to grow up over night, I couldn't help but shed a few tears. For me it was another reminder that I'm on my way. Regardless of what others think, I'm going to pave my own path, believe in my own God, find real love, build a business, and walk off into the sunset... 
Me and my wild boy and all our wild joy... 

"If all you want is gray for me than it's just white noise, and it's my choice..."







 

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