What About Us

Life went on and things slowly got back to normal. We still had the same callings in church... Primary for me and Young Men's for Nolan. We attended church every week, and looked the part. We never really talked about the fact that Nolan didn't believe any of it. He loved the social aspect so he had no problem going with me. I think because we went together like all the rest of the families, I didn't let myself think about the fact that we weren't really an eternal family... we couldn't be if Nolan didn't believe it. However, I do remember one day in Sacrament Meeting listening to a talk about Temple Marriage and Eternal Families and for what ever reason, it stayed on my mind that day. When I got home I must have had some time to think (yikes) because I started to wonder what was going to happen to me when I died and went to heaven. According to the Mormon narrative of heaven, and assuming I would be in the Celestial Kingdom, I wouldn't be with my parents because they weren't active members or sealed in the Temple, but I also wouldn't be with Nolan, even though we were sealed in the Temple, because he didn't believe. So my thought was... what happens to me? Do I have to become someone else’s 3rd wife? (honestly I didn't know) Can I go visit my family in the Terrestrial Kingdom? Can I choose to not be married at all? The more I thought about it I thought... maybe I can just stay with my family in the Terrestrial Kingdom and then go visit those in the Celestial Kingdom, at least then I wouldn't be alone. I tried to put this all out of my mind as the week went on, but I must not have been able to because one night I had a dream that I was in the field behind my parents house. It was a beautiful summer day and the field was covered in wild flowers. I was walking alone through the field in a dress I had worn to church and the scene was picturesque. Everything was perfect except for one thing... I had never felt so sad and lonely in my entire life. I can't even describe it, but the sobs that began to build woke me up and I was immediately thankful it was just a dream. Obviously the thought of being alone in heaven really was bothering me and I felt I had to resolve it so I went to what I knew to be true, which was that God loved me and knew my situation so he would take care of me, and then I let it go. This, however, brought up other things and I found myself, once again, wondering where I fit into this church. Many times I wanted to raise my hand and say, "This lesson doesn't pertain to my life so where's the class for me?" I also often found myself thinking that the way they talked about God was different than the way He showed Himself to me in my life, and I found myself wanting to say... "That's not how the God that I know works." I even remember saying one time when we were talking about prayer that God didn't care if we said thee or thou, He just wanted to hear from us, but everyone just looked at me funny. I'm sure this is why I always found myself put back in the Primary... I can imagine them saying... “If you make one more comment like that, young lady, you’ll go straight back to Primary!” 😄

Soon I began to realize that because I spent all my church time in Primary, what I was getting was a Primary education. So because of that and through my personal experiences, I had formed my own beliefs about who God was... and they didn't completely align with the God I was being taught at church. I still, however, believed God was in The Church and figured there must be things I just didn't quite understand yet so I had to be patient until I figured them out. That is until Nolan started to listen to Mormon Stories Podcasts (I know, you know, where this is heading) about 5 years ago, and started telling me about them. They were mostly about Polygamy and, although, I didn't want to hear what he was saying AT ALL, I felt like I should at least listen, so I patiently heard him out and then calmly commented with a "No, I didn't know that... that IS weird"... while trying to quickly put it in the back of my mind. It bothered me, though, because I knew Nolan always gets his information from accurate sources so there had to be some truth to it, but everything he was saying was just so awful. There had to be some explanation... or maybe they were exaggerating...

I listened to him talk about this for about 2 weeks until... I think it was when he asked me if I knew that Joseph Smith had been married to women who were still married to someone else that was the final straw. I'm sure I had a shocked look on my face, because, WHY would anyone do that??? But I just shook my head no. That's when I knew I had to find out for myself if all this was true. I went to my room, sat on the floor, and grabbed my phone. I wanted to make sure my information was coming from an accurate source so I said a quick prayer telling God I needed to know the truth no matter what. Then I googled Joseph Smith Polygamy and Bryan C. Hales website came up. I quickly realized he was an expert on Polygamy, had been a Stake President, and was still an active member of the church so I figured this was a safe site and whatever was on it had to be the truth... and church approved... so then I began to read. When I finished I felt physically ill.... from reading about Joseph Smith and Fanny Alger, to Joseph lying to Emma and marrying women behind her back, to telling girls they had to marry him or else God would kill him, to marrying women that were already married, to poor 14 year old Helen Mar Kimball who was coerced into marrying him by being told it would secure her entire family's place in heaven. It was all so completely disturbing and how did I not know ANY of this??? I was beyond upset. I looked up and asked God, "Why? Why would you do this????" And then it was like a light bulb turned on and I thought, of course, You didn't. He wasn't in any of this. In an instant it all made sense... why I always felt like I didn't belong, why I was so confused about SO many things, why SO many things didn't seem to add up, why the God I knew was so different than the God that was being taught, and now, why something deep inside told all of us from the beginning that Polygamy was wrong. It was like pieces of a puzzle that were finally falling into place. So at that moment, I wanted to know it all and began to dig in... and down the rabbit hole I went. There was the issue of the validity of the Book of Mormon, the Temple ceremonies and the Masons, race and the Priesthood, the many First Vision accounts, questions about the Book of Abraham, etc... You name it, I researched it and I think I had it pretty much all figured out within a couple of weeks, and to be honest, I was a little relieved by then. The church never really worked for me so, in the end, I was kind of glad to be out, however, I still couldn't believe how we had all been deceived. All the time, money, and trust that was put into it and how horrible it was to know that people were STILL being deceived and everyone at the top of the pyramid were standing by and letting it all happen. It was beyond words and I wanted OUT.

However, like everyone else, we still had callings and neighbors, friends, and family... basically our whole community that belonged to the church, so the actual getting out part was easier said than done. At this point, Nolan and I had just been put in to teach our youngest daughter's, Primary class so we didn't think it was the best time to just leave and resolved to stay the year until she was out of Primary. The end of the year came and they told us Nolan was being released and, our daughter was heading to Young Women's. They didn't say anything to me so I was left thinking Are you seriously just going to leave me in here when my whole family has now moved on from Primary??? Thank goodness I was planning on leaving anyway or I think I would have probably died in that room. So I asked to be released and never returned. They put Nolan back in Young Men's, our daughter went to Young Women's, and my oldest daughter never really believed it so she was more than happy to be able to be done. I for one loved not being a part of it anymore... not feeling the guilt, or the pressure, or the confusion, or the not feeling like I'm good enough. It's been hard, however, feeling like I'm being judged by ward members, family, and friends... and not being able to explain myself. I just want to say... "If you only knew what I knew, you wouldn't judge me." But everyone has to figure it out on their own and in their own timing so this has really taught me to be patient and wait, and when the time is right, I can be a shoulder to cry on for someone else.

The things that have helped me the most throughout this transition are first of all, knowing that I wasn't wrong about the God I know. It's also been helpful being able to talk to some friends, and the few family members I have that have also found out the truth. And last, but not least, the Mormon Stories Podcast (and many others) who have risked it all by letting the rest of us tell our stories and offer us love, support, and a new community. It's so comforting to hear a story and know that someone else has been through this too. It is also heartbreaking. These stories bring me to tears and every time I hear a story about someone who's entire life revolved around the church, much more than mine had (which is pretty much every story) I realize now, maybe I was the lucky one (something I never thought I'd say). When they find out the truth, it turns their world UP SIDE DOWN. I at least, only had one foot in the door, not by my choosing, but because of circumstances, so it wasn't quite as devastating for me. However, for them, it was their entire world and in the end they have suffered so much more than I have because of it. It reminds me all over again of all the people who have been hurt and betrayed by Joseph Smith and The Church... from the Polygamist wives... and those still caught in Polygamy to this day, to the Pioneers that lost so much on their journey to the Salt Lake Valley, to the early African American Church members who were told they were cursed by God because of their skin color and couldn't receive the Priesthood, to the LBGTQ community who thinks there is something wrong with them and that God thinks they're bad, to those who have been abandoned by family members, and those that ended with broken marriages, to those who have suicidal thoughts because they don't know how to be good enough, to the rest of us who put in all our time, money, and trust into an organization that completely lied and betrayed us. So in the end the question to The Church is What About Us?....