Piece by Piece
Piece by Piece
Coming to terms with the fact that the church is essentially a constructed facade—especially when considering how long this deception has persisted—is mind-blowing. The troubling history of the church is one thing, but realizing that many issues continue today is even more excruciating.
During my time in the church, I was largely unaware of these problems, as many members likely are. However, there were other aspects that bothered me, particularly the concept of Priesthood authority. I was fortunate to have supportive Bishops growing up, and my "worthiness" interviews as a teenager were comfortable experiences. One Bishop even advised me to never let a boy pressure me into anything I wasn’t ready for, which I appreciated. He, also, often spoke highly of my dad, trying to convey that he was a good man despite not attending church, which I found thoughtful.
Yet, I struggled to understand why God would grant men more power in the church than women. It didn’t add up, and I eventually realized this disparity wasn’t God’s doing—it was a product of human design. Remarkably, I had never relied on the Priesthood in my own life, and I was doing just fine. My father didn’t hold the Priesthood, and my husband never believed in it, so I always turned directly to God for guidance. I recognize now that this was a gift and instead of relying on someone else's connection to God, I had curated my own.
I typically approached my Bishops only for callings or temple recommends. However, I once sought out my Bishop to discuss the church's problematic history because I wanted to know his perspective. I quickly realized I was wasting my time; he was unaware of the deeper issues. This was the first time I recognized that most Bishops don’t know the true history or the problems within the church, which was shocking. How are they expected to help others if they lack this knowledge? We are taught to turn to the Priesthood for answers, believing they know more than we do, only to discover that they often don’t. This realization leaves us searching for guidance in a system that doesn’t provide it.
Another experience that impacted me was being stuck in Primary for so many years, which hindered my ability to connect with other ward members. Recently, I was listening to a Podcast where a previous Primary President was being interviewed. She had since left the church and was talking about her experiences in it and how she would get frustrated with the Bishopric because the presidency wasn't allowed to choose their own teachers so, she felt, they were often given the “leftovers” that Priesthood leaders had no use for. It was a painful revelation to think that I had been viewed as what she called “the bottom of the barrel” within the church. This hit me hard because this describes exactly how I always felt my worth was in the church... I was the scraps at the bottom of the barrel. Can you imagine if I believed this was true and that God was in charge of this?
While I didn’t pay much attention to the Priesthood, I felt compelled to accept every calling, including Primary and even Scouts, which was kind of a joke because I was so ill-equipped for it, especially since I didn’t have boys. I often felt that anyone with a higher calling (which seemed to be everyone) knew more about the church and was doing a better job as a member than I was. This perception made me hyper-aware of how people spoke and behaved, which often conflicted with church teachings. Ultimately, it has been liberating to recognize that these are just people, and it is God who truly guides me. I am also grateful that my daughters are growing up with a strong sense of self-worth, inspite of the fact (or maybe because of the fact) that they, too, no longer attend the Mormon church.
I’ve since allowed my girls to forge their own paths and explore their beliefs about spirituality. While I believe there is something beyond this world guiding me and have felt its influence throughout my life, I fully respect my daughters—and anyone else—in whatever spiritual journey they choose to undertake.
What I’ve learned on my path is that this guiding force is leading me on a personal journey that transcends religion, hierarchy, or culture. By listening to my intuition, I’ve learned to follow my own inner compass that leads me in the right direction and gives me love, comfort, knowledge, and self-worth Piece By Piece...
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