Piece by Piece

Figuring out that the church was just something made up by an extra imaginative, and I dare say, narcissistic person is mind blowing, especially when you think about how long the facade has been going on for... and sadly is still going on. Knowing the problems with the church's history is bad enough, but realizing there are still MANY problems going on today is also excruciating. During my time in the church I didn't know about most of these problems, as probably most of the members don't, however, there were things that bothered me, one of them being Priesthood authority. I was lucky to have had really good Bishops growing up and never had a problem with them... even my "worthiness" interviews as a teen were fine and I never felt uncomfortable. In fact, my Bishop at the time always reminded me never to let a boy talk me into something I wasn't comfortable with, which I thought was good advice. He would also always tell me what a good guy my dad was, I think because he was trying to let me know he was a good guy, even if my dad didn't come to church, which I felt was thoughtful. So even though I didn't have a specific problem with the Priesthood growing up, I still couldn't figure out why God would make it so that men had more power in the church than women. It didn't make sense, but then I realized this isn't God's doing, it's men. Not to mention, I never had the Priesthood in my life.... AND I was fine. Imagine that. Since my dad never had the Priesthood, and Nolan never believed in it, I never relied on it. I always went straight to God, and thing always worked out for me so I figured they would for anyone. 

I never went to see my Bishops for anything other than callings and temple recommends, however, I did go see my Bishop once when I was researching the history of the church because I wanted to know what he thought about it, however, I didn't get very far... shortly into the conversation I heard, "Your wasting your time, he doesn't know any of this." So I thanked him and left. That was the first time I realized most Bishops don't know the true history or all the problems in the church, which was shocking to me. How are they expected to help anyone if they don't even know the truth? Not to mention being told your entire life that we're suppose to go to "The Priesthood"if we ever need help or have questions because they supposedly know more than we do, but then realizing when we go there that they don't! Where the hell are we suppose to go then? I guess this is where we all find ourselves in the end... looking for someone who can give us answers, but then realizing we're not going to find them because most members don't know themselves. This was a wake up call... I realize these men are usually good people and are just doing the best they can, but they're not  equipped to handle everyone's problems. They don't have counseling degrees and they're not adequately trained for it. It's not their fault, it's the system and we're all victims of it, but so many people have been harmed by "Priesthood Authority"... whether it's getting bad life advice, being guilted into doing something they don't want to do, having to put their ideas or inspiration aside because a Priesthood leader wants them to do something else, or even worse... complete abuse of power. This isn't good and it's not how God intends it to be. He wants us all to have a personal relationship with Him that doesn't involve going through someone else. This is why it's tricky when we rely too much on religious authority instead of going straight to the source.

Although I didn't pay much attention to the Priesthood, I did however feel like I had to be obedient and accept every calling (thus the Primary... and Scouts), and always felt like anyone that had a higher calling (which was pretty much everyone) knew more than I did about the church and was doing a much better job as a member than I was. Because of this I really paid attention to the things people said and how they behaved, which was confusing sometimes because it didn't always correlate with what the church taught. So it was a marvelous day when I was reminded that... "They're only people, don't listen to people, listen to Me". That changed my entire perspective and now I'm very careful who I listen to and take advice from. I love this God that I know... very different than the Mormon God. He doesn't treat me any different because I'm a girl and, therefore, have to go through some man to get to him. We're all the same to Him and I feel bad for those who leave the church and have such a twisted idea of who they think God is because of the God they were taught. I have a friend who can't even think of God as a man now because she was so disturbed by the male dominance in the church. I always tell her it's okay to think of God as a women, or even non-gender... like in the movie, The Shack. I love how in that movie God says that He (She) will be whoever you need them to be. I still think of Him as a man because I like to think He's the man every man is suppose to be, but you can think of Him however you want. I'm so glad my girls know that wherever their journey with God leads them in life, it is between Him and them and that nobody else gets to tell them what that's going to look like. I love it that He won't force them into anything, or make them feel guilty or worried, He will never abandon them and, Instead, treat them with love, dignity, and respect, and value them because they're girls. I also know that He will quietly walk beside them and be there for them at every bend in the road and when their world comes crashing down, He will pick them back up, as He does all of us, and then put them back together Piece By Piece... 

"He'll never walk away, He'll never break her heart, He'll take care of things, He'll love her..."