The Climb

I listen to a lot of podcasts by Dr Ramini on narcissistic abuse and have learned a ton about what narcissism actually is. I began listening to her when my sister left her narcissistic abusive marriage and I wanted to know more about what she was going through. Since then I have come to realize I have narcissistic people in my own life.... we all do, however, I don't think most of us recognize that's what's going on. I also believe narcissism is a spectrum so some narcissists are more obvious than others. Dr Ramini explains it much better than I do, however, for those who don't know exactly what narcissism is I would say it's basically a person who needs constant admiration and validation from outside sources because they never learned how to get it from their own self-worth. They also never learned to regulate their own emotions so if things in their life are going okay they're not too bad to be around, however, if things are not going well they blame it on others and take it out on those closest to them through gaslighting, controlling, contempt, invalidation, belittling, and sometimes rage. The part that is really tricky is that they never want to look bad around people on the outside and want to be perceived as being completely in control of themselves and their lives so other people usually see them as friendly, fun, helpful, sensitive, and charming... its usually only those who are closest to them that see the dark side, which makes it extra hard on those being abused because nobody else sees it. The reasons for the behavior and abuse, are complicated so I won't get into all the details here and will leave more explaining for another time.

Therefore, what peaked my interest for this post is what I recently heard on Dr Ramini's podcast about the narcissist's "Flying Monkeys", which are the people who enable the bad behavior by making excuses for them, avoiding the fact that they have any problems, and bending over backwards to make sure the narcissist has whatever they need... just like the Wicked Witch's flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz. I believe most "flying monkeys" aren't aware that the people they are catering to are actually narcissists. They probably would agree that they are difficult and perhaps have narcissistic tendencies, but I don't think most people want to admit that these people might have a real problem, probably because that would mean having to address the dysfunction. Either way it got me thinking that as bad as it is having to deal with a narcissist, It's almost more traumatic for those that go asking for help and support and find that they are either not believed, or that the people they turn to would rather make excuses for the narcissist's behavior and stay in denial, rather than confront it. This is extra painful for them because not only are they abandoned by the narcissist, but they're also abandoned by the people they thought would help and support them, which is lonely and confusing.

I think Ex-Mormons can relate to this scenario as well. The gaslighting, control, and invalidation from church leaders, along with those who enable their behavior and make up excuses for it feels the same. We have all felt this from Bishops, leaders, friends and family... those closest to us who we thought we could trust and thought would be there for us no matter what, but then to find out that there is no support and  we're on our own is devastating. This is when we need to find those who are like us, those who understand us, and those who will embrace us. We need to have the courage to stand up for one another, be willing to listen to the truth, get out of our comfort zones, and defend those that need defending. This may mean standing alone, but I think the more people have the courage to stand up for themselves, stand up for others, and stand up for what's right, the more it flows out to all of us and we ALL become brave.

I'm proud of my sister for standing up for herself and recognizing her own self-worth by getting out of an abusive situation. I'm also proud of all of us who left a church that was also abusive, even if it meant standing alone. That takes COURAGE! I think sometimes we think we need someone else to be brave for us, or to give us the power to stand up for ourselves, or to tell us what to do, when the truth is, we have the power within us. Just like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz found that at the end of her journey of searching for the Great and Powerful Wizard, the power to return home was not with him. He was just a man and she was the one who had the power all along. So my prayer for all of us is that we realize before it's too late that we have the power to change the course of our lives. Then when we're ready to begin and life feels more like crawling up a mountain than skipping down a yellow brick road, let us have the faith to put on our hiking boots, grab our courage, listen to our inner voice, and get ready for The Climb...

"I can almost see it, this dream I'm dreaming..."