Fight Song/Amazing Grace

I saw this picture pop up on our Google Home the other day and was reminded that it’s been 10 years since I went through cancer. I remember this Thanksgiving Day at my sisters house. I still had a few more radiation treatments, but I was done with Chemo and grateful that my taste buds were back so I could enjoy Thanksgiving dinner. I was also grateful for wigs since my hair was barely a half an inch long and grateful, of course, to be there with my beautiful girls. I remember wanting to take a picture to celebrate moving on, but couldn't find Nolan so I took it with just me and the girls. I also remember thinking that this might be better anyway, because, in all honesty, things weren't looking good for my marriage.

Looking back now, I had a lot of things I was fighting for back then. I had gone through the previous year fighting for my life, I was now fighting to get back on my feet physically and mentally, and I knew if I wanted my marriage to work I would have to start fighting for that too. Little did I know that within the next ten years I would have to fight for truth as I left the Mormon Church, fight to recover from a car wreck, fight once more to get back on my feet, and now fight for a life of authenticity and peace. I'm sure after we've lived long enough we can all look back on our lives and see that we are always fighting for something, but we can also recognize that once we win the battle (and we always do in one way or another) we've learned, grown, and taken a step closer to who we want to be. 

When I think about what I learned from my battle with cancer I've realized what I learned isn't completely what I thought I'd learn. Of course I learned to be grateful for life and I couldn't be more thankful that I was able to spend 10 more years with my girls, my family, health, hair, and taste buds, but I think what I learned the most is how important it is to have support, not only in times like this, but all the time. Now, I realize I didn't have the support that I needed back then.. not that it was really anyone's fault, in fact, I think it was partly my fault because I didn't ask for what I needed. If anyone asked how I was doing I would simply say, "I'm fine" with a smile, because I didn't want to put anyone out. Because of that, I sat alone for 4 hours during Chemo treatments trying to pass the time by writing in my journal and drove myself to radiation treatments where I entered a cold dark room alone. I now know that this isn't good, It's important to have support so you can get through it and heal. This is partly why I became a life coach... so that people would have the support that I didn't have, but desperately needed. I think we can get through pretty much anything as long as we have each other to give hope and encouragement along the way.

So as hard as it is going through these trials in life, if we look at each one we've endured, we can always see what we've learned, and how we've changed through the process. Martha Beck talks about how she compares these hard times to a Samurai sword and how it gets flattened and pounded thousands of times and then it comes out like the finest piece of machinery. She goes on to say, "So if God wants to create a Samurai sword, He takes the best materials on earth and beats the crap out of them for years and years." We've heard the same message as God being the pottery maker and us the pottery being refined in the fire. It is not an easy or fun process, but, yes, I think we can all agree that we do feel refined and stronger, like a Samurai sword, in the end. And let's not forget that it is during these times that we become the most humble, the most grateful, the most in tune, and the most aware as we rise out of the ashes by Amazing Grace...

                             "How sweet the sound..."