Even If

 In the spring of 2012, right after Mother's Day,  I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It all started when I felt a lump and went in to get it checked. They did a mammogram, ultrasound, and finally a biopsy and then had me make an appointment for a week later so they could give me the results. I really didn't think it was anything (we never do) and went about the week as usual. Nolan had a camping trip planned with his brothers the weekend of the appointment so I told him to go ahead and go since I was sure I was fine. My appointment was on a Friday morning and since my youngest daughter had afternoon Kindergarten, I took her with me to the appointment. I checked in and then sat down to wait to be called back. When the nurse came to call me back she had a look of horror on her face when she saw I had my (6 year old) daughter with me and asked if she would be okay to hang out in the waiting room with the registration staff. I knew right then and there something was wrong. I got her situated and then headed back with the nurse. She sat me down and explained to me that my results were positive and that I had grade 3 invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. She told me I would first need to have surgery to remove the lump and then radiation and chemotherapy. Luckily it was only stage one, however, because it was an aggressive type I still needed the treatments. She then handed me a pink folder with names and numbers of doctors, my diagnosis, and pages for journal entries. After that she sent me to another lady who was going to make a few appointments for me. As soon as I saw her she broke down and started crying and hugged me. It was really sweet, but that's when I started to panic... up until then I had remained unusually calm, in fact, the first lady said "Your taking this really well, are you ok?" I just nodded... in reality I was in huge shock. However, because the second lady was so upset, I figured this was extra bad... like, am I going to die? bad...  I mean honestly, I really didn't understand one thing they were saying so how did I know? 

I spent the next few days googling my type of cancer (which we all know you should never do) and praying everything would be okay. I remember one specific prayer when I asked if I could just meet someone who had the same type of cancer that I had and survived and then I would know that I was going to be okay. The next few weeks were filled with appointments with the oncologist, radiologist, and the surgeon. I met with the surgeon first and when his nurse walked in she told me she loved working with breast cancer patients the most because she had breast cancer too a few years back. I asked her what type she had and it was exactly the same type as mine. A few days later, my friend, Wendy, from the ward called and told me she had found out I had cancer and wanted me to know she had it too ten years ago. I asked her what type she had and it was also the exact same kind. You have to realize there are many types of breast cancer so for them both to have the exact same type as I had was too much of a coincidence. Not only was I reassured by one person, but I was reassured by two that I'd be okay. With God's reassurance I calmed down and made an appointment for a lumpectomy and to also have a port put in for my chemo treatments. Next, knowing that I would most likely lose my hair, I took the girls and went wig shopping. The girls thought this was great fun and tried on a few wigs themselves. I started loosing my hair after about my third treatment so decided to just go ahead and shave it. Nolan shaved it for me, letting the girls have their turns with the electric razor. I thought I was prepared for this, but I don't think anyone can really be prepared. Not only do you lose your hair on your head, but you lose your eyebrows, eyelashes and all other hair. You feel completely naked and genderless... like your staring at someone you don't recognize. Thank goodness for makeup and wigs... at least for me. I wasn't trying to pretend I didn't have cancer, I just had to feel somewhat like myself when I looked in the mirror. Along with the hair loss and not feeling well, you also have other odd side effects with chemo. My hands felt like they were on fire for a while and I had to keep ice packs on them as much as possible, my finger nails and toe nails turned black and a few fell off throughout the season,  I lost my taste buds (like most people do) and everything tasted like medal, and my bones ached most of the time like I had arthritis. That’s not to mention the nausea, headaches, and fatigue that almost everyone has since the chemo is literally killing every cell in your body.  I spent the summer going to chemo every 3 weeks. I  felt pretty sick the week after, but usually had a week or two in between treatments that I felt okay and was able to somewhat enjoy the summer. Everyone was extra nice to me during this time (one benefit of cancer if there is one) and the ward really stepped up (as Mormons do in a time of crisis) and brought me dinners, cards, flowers, books, smoothies, and bath goodies. This really made up for all the times I felt neglected and I will forever be grateful for their love and generosity. 

My chemo treatments ended in the fall and I started 6 weeks of radiation treatments. This was 5 days a week for 6 weeks so it really begins to ware on you. I remember Wendy telling me she always felt so lonely during her radiation treatments. Once I started them I knew what she was saying. They take you into a cold dark room and put you in the radiation bed (like an MRI) and then leave you all alone with your thoughts. It was only for about 15 minutes at a time, but I have to agree, it felt really lonely and I shed more than a few tears in there. My radiation treatments finished up the middle of December, right before Christmas, which was a gift. I was able to enjoy Christmas that year cancer free. My taste buds had returned just in time for all the Christmas goodies and my finger nails and toe nails had started to look alive again. Now if I could only have gotten my hair to grow back faster... that took a little longer😩 

Eight years later and I am happy to report I'm still cancer free. It's been a long road, though, and during that time I really did some soul searching. I had okay days and bad days... I can't say there were very many good days... and plenty of meltdowns. In fact, most of the time I woke up, had a melt down, said a heart wrenching prayer, gave myself a pep talk, and then went on with the day. And then there were the times when I started to wonder if I was really going to be okay... they said I probably would be, but what if... this is where I really had to start trusting God, I didn't have a choice. In the end, like I said before, it was really out of my control. So I had to surrender and tell God that if it didn't go the way I wanted it to go I knew it would be okay. He'd always been there for me before so I knew He'd be there for me now Even If...

"It is well, it is well, with my soul..."