A Million Dreams

Looking back on how I was raised makes me realize why I always thought a little different than most mainstream Mormons. Although I had gone to church my whole life, my dad never went to church and my mom stopped going when I was a teenager. My dad came from a very mainstream Mormon home and went to church all the time up until he graduated High School and was expected to go on a mission. He told me once that he simply just didn't want to go, and that his Bishop was so upset with his decision that he told him he had to go to these classes for people who were trying to quite smoking, drinking, etc. so he could get back on track. I could see this was hurtful to my dad because he wasn't doing anything wrong, and just because he didn't want to go didn't make him a bad person... but he felt like one. I don't think he really believed in The Church anyway, so this was a turning point for him and instead of going to the classes, he went home and never came back. Like I said, my mom took us (me and my 4 siblings) to church when we were little, however, by the time we were teenagers she had also stopped going. I'm sure this was partly because it was hard to go without my dad, but also because I know she likes coffee and has been drinking it every morning for as long as I can remember. As teenagers, my older sister and I would head to church alone, or hitch a ride with my Grandparents. We never had family prayer, scripture study, or Family Home Evening. I know this sounds really sad to active Mormons (and I'm sure people felt sorry for us because we were the kids with the inactive parents) but my childhood was good and my parents are great. They have always bent over backwards for us and we never felt like we were missing out on anything. They also gave us the freedom to think for ourselves and make our own choices, which is why I think I began to view God a little different than what they taught in church. It also has to do with the fact that, for the most part I don't think I had any idea what they were talking about in Primary. All I heard was that Heavenly Father loves me, and we're trying to be like Jesus. Looking back at that now, I still think it should be that simple! 

That being said I always wanted to go to church, marry a returned missionary, and get married in the Temple because I thought that was where God was so I continued on the Mormon path as I graduated High School and became an adult. I don't think I realized until I left the church 5 years ago how lucky I actually was to have been raised this way. At the time I felt a little left out when I was at church without parents, who, by the way, didn't get married in the Temple. I remember as a teenager realizing that not being married in the Temple meant not being together as a family in heaven and that worried me. However, knowing the God that I knew I just figured He would work it out because He loved me. I also remember thinking that, even though, I didn't have the perfect Mormon family like everyone else seemed to have, I would have it someday with my own family. Little did I know that wouldn't work out either because God wanted me to know the truth and to be free to have a life of my own. I still had many years to go, but I could see Him slowly pulling me out, trying to get my attention, and showing me the Million Dreams that were waiting for me on the other side...  

"They can say, they can say it all sounds crazy..."











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