Neon Moon
I met my husband in high school and, just as I had hoped, I found someone from a wonderful Mormon family who was planning to serve an LDS mission and would take me through the temple. We began as friends, but as he prepared for his mission a few years later, our connection transformed into something more. He gave me a promise ring, and I was convinced we'd marry when he returned.
I was determined to wait for him, however, I still hadn’t completely closed the door on dating so when I unexpectedly ran into Ryan, a guy I knew from high school, and he asked me out, I said yes. He was a few years older so I didn't know him well, however, between his blond hair, tan skin, sweet personality, and a smile that melts your heart, who could resist? We ended up dating throughout my missionary’s absence and grew incredibly close so when my missionary returned home, I struggled to let Ryan go. I knew, however, that I needed to see if things were going to work out with my missionary and felt it was essential to focus on my relationship with him.
Reflecting on that time, I can see now that the relationship with my missionary wasn't quite the same as it was before he left. He was fun and filled with charisma, yet he was often restless and became distracted easily. During our time together, he would go from being completely focused on me to jumping up and leaving the moment something more exciting came along. I chalked it up to potential ADHD, or maybe just a free spirit? I couldn’t see it then, but now I know he was only half-invested in our relationship, keeping one foot in the door, and one out. Not wanting to appear controlling or needy, I kept my feelings to myself, unaware of the issues this would create later.
I spent that entire summer with Ryan, cherishing every moment. Looking back, I see he embodied the qualities I truly needed: dependable, kind, warm, and loving. He was my rock, always present when I needed support, making me feel calm and safe. Towards the end of the summer, knowing my missionary was about to return, Ryan planned an unforgettable date and asked me to marry him. I knew I loved him but was torn. I also knew I needed to figure out how I felt about my missionary and if things were going to work out with him. Despite my feelings for Ryan and the fact that all the stars aligned, I didn't recognize the gift I was being given, and at 22 lacked the experience to know that he was the person who truly belonged in my life.
When my missionary returned at the summer’s end, we got back together. I can't quite grasp why I failed to see what was missing in our relationship. I think it was partly due to the fact that I had met him first and had convinced myself that he was "the one". I also had the tendency to focus on one's potential, ignoring signs of trouble with the excuse that nobody's perfect. After all he wasn't doing anything completely wrong, he just wasn't completely with me and I didn't realize how important this would become as life went on.
The hardest part was letting go of Ryan, and I often questioned whether I had made the right choice. Throughout my marriage, there were moments when I knew I had, and as time passed, it became increasingly clear. Yet, by then, I had children to think about, and Ryan had moved on to build a family of his own.
Life continued, and during difficult times, memories of feeling loved, free, and cared for would resurface and I often wondered if I might someday experience that kind of happiness again...
"Telling my poor heart, he'll come back someday..."
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