Welcome to the Daylight

I have to admit, as sad as it usually is to see the year end, I for one, am happy to see this one go and move on to the next. It actually hasn't been as bad as I thought considering my meltdown back in June when I realized I was going to have to stay in the situation I’m in for another year, but still, when it's time to move on it's hard to stay put. So even though the last 6 months haven't been great, they've gone by pretty fast and I'm looking forward to the New Year and hopeful that this next year will be a turning point and the start of a new chapter in my life. In the meantime I'm enjoying the Christmas season and took the opportunity to kick it off with a trip to Disney World with my sister, my niece, and my daughter for a pre-graduation trip, which was a lot of fun!  Going with just the four of us was perfect and it was nice not having little kids (as cute as they are) to wrangle around. It was also easy running around the parks with just the four of

Next weekend  The Hunger Games : The Ballad of Songbirds & Snakes comes out in theaters. I loved The Hunger Games books/movies and wanted to read the newest book before the movie came out so I read it last summer. I really enjoyed it, in fact, I'd say, it’s probably the best one. Although, this one is even darker, and Katniss from the first series... the heroine that she is, is still my favorite character... this newest book surprised me at how much I liked it. While reading it, I couldn't help but think how the main character, Coriolanus (the young President Snow), showed pretty accurate signs of a narcissist. I think we all figured the adult President Snow in The Hunger Games is narcissistic, if not psychopathic, but it's not as obvious in the younger version of himself, which makes it even more interesting seeing how he turns into the villain that he is. Of any character I've ever read in a book, this younger version represented much of what I'

I guess everyone, at some point, thinks back on their life and realizes it hasn't turned out the way they thought it would. I don't know about you but I also look back and wonder where it went wrong. My childhood, though not perfect, wasn't bad, so I can't blame it on that. After High School, as I talked about in earlier blogs, I went to college and married the boy I was, not only crazy about, but also fit the Mormon version of a good husband... it all seemed to go together perfectly. It was exactly what I was suppose to do. But, as it turns out, 23 is too young to really know yourself and what you need, and too young to know what you really need in a relationship. Now, 28 years later, I'm picking up the pieces of a life that's been shattered and wondering if things will ever be okay again. Knowing now what I wish I knew then, I desperately want to go back and redo it. However, we know that isn't possible so instead I feel desperate to make things right by

Clearly it takes awhile to fully awaken... to come out of the trance I talked about in the last post. I don't know about you, but I think I've gone through most of my life wondering what the heck is going on around here... what's real and what's not, or might I say who. I've spent my whole life trying to see through the surface of things, wondering why some people didn't seem to be themselves most of the time, and and why we were all usually putting on a show. Now that I've lived long enough, I know that, for the most part, it's a protection from not wanting to get hurt, trying to fit in, trying to get our own needs met, and plain old just trying to survive. However, I also know now that if we keep doing this we'll never truly be able to embrace who we actually are, we'll never find what our true purpose is, and we'll never find the people who truly get us and stand by us. It's impossible to do this if we're always looking around at w

  I finished a book this past month called Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach, and have had much to ponder on these past few weeks. For those of you who don't know, this book is based on the Buddhist practice of accepting ourselves and life as it is. This concept suggests that once we accept it... the good, the bad, and the ugly.... the honest and complete truth of it... then  we can change what needs to change, and be at peace with the rest of it. Once you read a book like this, you either take a good look at your life, or you throw the book in the garbage and go back into your trance  as Tara calls it. Ironically, this is also what it's called in the Barbie movie when Barbie comes back to Barbie land and finds all the girls in a trance because the Patriarchy has taken over (sound familiar?😏). I must say, I never thought I'd read a book on Buddhism, and see a Barbie movie at the same time and feel like I'm getting a similar message, nonetheless this message is coming t

Do you ever have one of those days... or weeks... or months... or years... when you're kind of  done with life as it is and you find yourself looking at your watch (or up at God) and wondering, "How much longer?"  How many more days do I have to go through until it's over? How many more difficult people do I have to deal with until I can be done? When can I relax without the stress, the pressure, the expectations and superficiality of society, the feeling that I should be doing more, or at least fitting in...  This is how I've felt lately... like I don't belong in this world of busyness, perfection, and chaos. But not to worry, I'm not saying this in complete depression or despair... it's said more with a long sigh, and I wonder how many other people feel the same. If we all got together, would most of us feel this way? What if those of us that felt this way could all move to an island together... or for me, I would prefer a lakeside village. Here we c

I guess I should know by now that nothing worth fighting for ever comes easy. Now that I finally feel ready to move on and I'm pretty much used to being on my own, I've found out that I won't be able to get officially divorced until next year. For reasons not worth talking about here, all I can say is I have no choice in the matter. When I found this out I was devastated. I feel like I barely got through last year and now I have to figure out how to get through this next one as well. The only good thing about this is that things won't change that much for my daughter in her last year of High School, so for this reason alone I'll make the best of it.  Since then I've had to rethink things. Even though I'm stuck for a little while longer, I can't just pretend like everything's fine. I know I need to keep my boundaries and claim my own space, so I felt God telling me to think outside the box, take control of what is in my power, and fight to keep a hol

It seems the minute you enter the "Fearless"  era you are given plenty of opportunities to show your courage, and I have to say as daunting as it is, it also feels empowering. I'm finding the trick to success is to stay as calm as possible, stick to the truth, and not care what anyone else thinks. I figure if your not doing anything wrong, telling the truth, and staying in your integrity, you have nothing to fear. I wonder if this is how David Nielson felt in his 60-Minute interview about being the whistle blower on The Mormon Church's use of tithing funds at Ensign Peak. I'm sure he has felt scared, lonely, and betrayed ever since his reporting in 2018. Nonetheless, his bravery has opened the eyes of many and made The Church somewhat more accountable for their actions. I'm guessing he has also, most likely, been scrutinized and under attack for telling the truth, however, he can rest assured he is, not only doing the right thing, but giving others the courage

As I take these final steps to get out of a bad situation, I find that I am needing to become braver and braver with each step I take. Soon I will be completely on my own and for the most part these days when I need help with something, I look around to see that there's nobody there, so I have to figure it out myself. I have found, however, that on the bright side, I've done things this past year that I never thought I'd be able to do, and proud to say that I'm able to pretty much figure it out as I go along. This is giving me the confidence that I need to continue to do so, and honestly, as hard as it's been, I don't think I would have had the courage to be this brave in the past. As I always say, I don't think God forces us into anything, but I do think when we give God the okay to take us where we need to go in order to grow and be in a better place, He wastes no time telling us to " Put on our seat belt" because we're in for a ride.   This

Now that I know that the ending of my marriage is inevitable, I feel like I just want it all to be over with so I can finally move on. I'm doing everything I can to get my finances in order, my business up and running, and assets separated and organized, however, as we know all too well, things always take longer than we think they should. Along with this I have learned throughout my life that it has to be God's timing or it will not work. So every time I begin to feel anxious, desperate, or feel a sense of urgency to move faster, I try to calm myself and I'm reminded to slow down.  God reminded me of this when Pink's version of Time After Time appeared as I was scrolling through U-Tube. I'm sure there is a logical reason it appeared, but honestly it seems that many times the perfect song just shows up the minute I need it. So, because I love Pink, and I love this song, I listened to it and the part that really hit me were the lyrics, " Sometimes you picture m

Happy New Year!  I can't believe another year has come and gone, however, I have to say, I'm glad this year is over with. It's been rough and I feel like I've been counting down the days until it's ending and looking forward to a new beginning. Although, I have to say, now that the new year has begun, I'm a little nervous at what lies ahead. This past year I've realized, as I've mentioned before, that some big things need to change in my life, one of which is my marriage. I'm shocked and heart broken about this and wouldn't have chosen this myself. I've been married 27 years and assumed we'd be together forever, however, I can see now that it's not working anymore and it's time to go our separate ways. It's not official yet, but I know now that it's inevitable and for the best. I'm not sure how it's all going to work out and I'm terrified of the unknown, however, I know these changes need to happen in order for